The Top 15 Signs An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance  
  
15> Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head 
    against a locker, although he's on the chess team.  
  
14> Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.  
  
13> Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at
    this year's French Open.  
  
12> Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 AND the Preakness.  
  
11> Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her 
    valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.  
  
10> His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."  
  
 9> Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe 
    dangling from arm.  
  
 8> Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.  
  
 7> Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.  
  
 6> Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.  
  
 5> Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.  
  
 4> According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.  
  
 3> Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."  
  
 2> Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to  "Old Man River."  
  
  
and the Number 1 Sign An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance...  
  
  
 1> Forget Nike and Reebok -- he's got endorsement deals with  Merck and Glaxo.