From: David Klindienst 
Subject: A Father's Wish....
Date: Tuesday, April 22, 1997 4:23 PM
      
      APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
      
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless 
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, 
and current medical report from your doctor.

Section A:
      
       NAME______________________________________
      
      DATE OF BIRTH______________
            
      HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________  IQ__________
      
      GPA_____________
      
      SOCIAL SECURITY  #___________________
      
      DRIVERS LICENSE  #________________
      
      BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________
      
      HOME ADDRESS__________________________
      
      CITY/STATE___________  ZIP_____
      
      Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
      ___________________________
      
       If NO, please explain
      _________________________________________________
      
      Number of years they have been married
       ________________________________
      
       If less than your age, explain
        __________________
      

Section B:
          
      Do you own a van?      _______________
      
      A truck with oversized tires?     _______________
      
      A waterbed?       _______________
      
      A pickup with a mattress in the back?    _______________
      
      A condom?       _______________
      
      Pornography?      _______________
      
      Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________
      
      A tattoo?       _______________
      
      (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
      

Section C:
      
      In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?___________________
      
      In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, 
      mean to you?__________________
      
      In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?____________
      
      Church you attend:____________________________________________
      
       How often you attend:_________________________________________      
      
    When would be the best time to interview your: father? _________________
     					         mother? ________________
     					          priest? _________________

Section D:      
      
      Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
      
       A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________
      
       B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:_______________

       C: A woman's place is in the:_______________

       D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:______________
      
       E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:_______________
      
      NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.  Leaving premises 
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
      

Section E:

      What do you want to do IF you grow up?
       ______________________________
      
      What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
       _____________________
      
     Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
        A:  3
        B:  6
        C:  9
        D: 12
        E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
      
      
         I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE 
AND CORRECT TO THE  BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY 
OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, 
CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND 
RED HOT POKERS.
      

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
      
      
      Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.
      You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to 
call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).  If your 
application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white 
ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).