From: David Klindienst 
  Subject: News Alert
  Date: Tuesday, April 29, 1997 12:56 PM
  
     Sesame Street in Flames
   IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street,
   has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be
   dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time
   friend, room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now
   reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near
   Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the
   building.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at
   this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City
   Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports
   that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird
   was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at
   them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the
   bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn,
   Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information
   available concerning Maria.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
   chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big
   Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a
   killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the
   ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird:
   Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the
   Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the
   famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the
   area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
   away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the
   muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and
   at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to
   bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with
   police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed
   the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at
   the loss of his good buddy Bert.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five
   o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a
   sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets
   became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the
   streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten
   muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large,
   Styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this
   hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame
   Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere.
   Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height
   are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood.
   Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard
   backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are
   burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from
   windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame
   Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
   the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night
   of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to
   death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still
   animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping
   vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street
   crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were
   killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
   Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass
   muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his
   address:
   
   I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
   millions through-out the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
   paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
   leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame
   Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for
   advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many
   paper clips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country."
   
   I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
   creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
   him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to
   love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
   memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all
   creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a
   bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.