A
           N         ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
           T               Issue #1
           I
      B A R N E Y
           L               ABL- "A group of people united
           E                     in a single goal.  Be
           A                     scared Barney.  We have
           G                     a mandate from the people
           U                     and GOD almighty!"
           E

     I hate Barney!   I hate Barney!   I hate Barney!
               -- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age:
                  A World Without Barney"

     "Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
               -- Gumby, '60s animation star

     Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
     Must Die Newsletter.

     It is time that we must unite agaist a force that is covering
     our nation like a dark cloud.  Barney is evil.

     Barney and his Backyard gang are out to control the minds of
     kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their
     psyche, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle
     DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit.  The problem
     will grow unless we do some thing about it.  Dinosaurs can't
     be citizens, so let's send him to Costa Rica.

     PBS sponsors a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check
     your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of
     irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named
     "Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social
     nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to
     the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:

                    I love you.
                    You love me.
                    We're a happy family.
                    With a great big hug,
                    And a kiss from me to you,
                    Won't you say you love me too?

     JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?

     Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur
     suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one
     thing, Barney has full mobility.

     Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his
     hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his
     stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's
     because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was
     operating his beak.

     Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working
     mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there,
     he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the
     ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human
     would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

     If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

  1) He's a real dinosaur.

     Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
     questionable, the geological record is far from complete.
     Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support
     current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing
     ability is a new twist, however.)

     And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the
     other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore
     (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore,
     or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

  2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly
     parent figure in order to train young children to be his
     unholy army of ultimate darkness.

     You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it
     seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why.
     Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to
     test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody
     crucifix.

  3) He's a space alien.

     This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might
     have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even
     begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors,
     even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could
     account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the
     show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

     HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

  1) Wait for him to go away.

     Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our
     children's BRAINS are at stake.

  2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips
     shut.

     You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

  3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.

     If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he
     doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think
     of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's
     Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

  4) Stop believing in him.

     Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in
     history.

     Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT
     Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's
     an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And
     remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is
     dead.dead.dead.

     Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless
     children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my
     so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an
     end to his evil Jurassic schemes.

     Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has
     invaded a toy stuffed kind of malignant supernatural force
     that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.

     There are two principal Barney modes.

  1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall
     fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and
     sings like an brain damaged castrati.

  2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small
     stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is
     Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on
     any form he chooses.

     We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume
     that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he
     IS a fuzzy harmless doll.

     In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in
     active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall
     whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT
     shall be his downfall.

     You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix,
     an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them
     ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.

     If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active
     mode, take these steps:

    *DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*

     His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you
     gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and
     soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with
     adults.

    *DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*

     The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song
     Of Entrapment:

                       I love you....
                       Etc...
                       Etc...
                       Etc...
                       Won't you say you love me too?

     If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its
     accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

    *ACT CASUAL.*

     Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an
     autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you
     can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for
     all eternity.

     (NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.
     While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like
     this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about
     him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.)

    *DESTROY HIM.*

     Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect
     a thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most
     creatures of darkness:

  1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucufix, saying
     "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"

  2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless
     you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get
     Barney-bits all over you.

  3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.

  4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)

  5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?

  6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a
     3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water
     FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head,
     while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it.
     (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope.
     Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

     One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to
     field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh.
     All of the above applies to HIM, too.

     There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our
     wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our
     misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous
     creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be
     destroyed.  The termination of Barney must therefore become a
     goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we
     protect our children and stop his evil reign!

     FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE

     Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears.
     Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me'
     chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness
     immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this,
     you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently
     moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you.  After a
     moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what
     must be done.