HORSE RACE

Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom Berglind, Fargo, North Dakota

The horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties     
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets 
7. Thighs 
8. Big Dick     
9. Heavy Bosum  
10. Merry Cherry 

Race is about to start.

At the Post
***********
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk
Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured.  Passionate Lady
is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot. 

At the Halfway Mark
********************
       
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.  Heavy Bosum
is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are
working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big
Dick. 

At The Stretch
***************
      
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive.
  Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.       

At The Finish
 *************
    
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything
Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through
with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows.   Heavy Bosum
weakens and Thighs pull up.  Clean Sheets never had a chance.......

===


HORSE + RABBIT

  Credit:  Peter_Ogden@pcp.ca (Peter Ogden); 
     
     A horse and a rabbit were playing in a field; the horse falls into a 
     pit of quicksand and yells at the rabbit to go for help.
     
     The rabbit runs to the farmhouse but can't find the farmer, so it 
     takes the farmer's sports car, drives out to the field, ties a rope 
     around the bumper and rescues the horse.
     
     Next day, the same horse and rabbit are playing in the same field and 
     this time the rabbit falls in the quicksand. Instead of going for 
     help, though, the horse straddles the pit, lets its pecker hang down 
     and the rabbit uses the horse's pecker to pull itself free.
     
     MORAL OF STORY:  If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a fancy 
     sports car.

===

    THE LUCKY FROG

Credit:  Michelle LaPierre  
  
   A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
   the  second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
   thinks  nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9
   Iron"
  
   The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks
   at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
   away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
  
   He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
   lucky frog, eh?"  The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides
   to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
   the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."  The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
   Hole in one.
  
   The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
   day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
   "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las
   Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"  The frog says, "Ribbit.
   Roulette."  Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do
   you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000,black 6." Now,
   this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
   figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
   table.
  
   The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  He sits
   the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won
   me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
   Kiss Me."  He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
   deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old
   girl.
  
   "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

===
 
THREE MICE

credit: Kschlich@aol.com

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am.  I spot a trap and go for the cheese.  When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?  When I
find a pile of D-Con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine."  With that  he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.  He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door.  His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."