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Credit: riefkohl@paho.org
Subject: Where do babies come from?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in
the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do
that?
Mom: Jewellery, dear.
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Credit: Michelle LaPierre ; forwarded
by Stephen P. McIntyre
Subject: Cabbies
Sweet Revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the
casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home,
he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his
address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said adopt appropriate dialect),
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the
businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time
to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport.. Well who should he see out there, at the end
of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a
ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the
first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob
on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at
the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and
off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Credit: Author unknown; forwarded by Kathy Roth
Subject: How to Score Points with a Woman
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
----------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it
to the nearest gas station........................................ -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls
away.............................................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1
You leave them under the bed...................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings............................................................. +5
But return with beer.............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom.......................................................... -2
You make the bed.................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10
Social Engagements
------------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.................................................... -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly.......................................................... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and
pat her on the rump............................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as
attractive as you"................................................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".. -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-------------------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------------
You go to the mall together....................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car............................................................... +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to
a sports bar...................................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3
Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................. +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3
And the television is off......................................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15
Her Birthday
---------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team.......................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing.............................................................. +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted
out to much applause.............................................. -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40
Thoughtfulness
-------------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50
A Night Out With The Boys
--------------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
Her Night Out
----------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends........................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.............................................................. +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but
not
fore she pukes in the bathroom.............................. +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35
A Night At Home
--------------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2
A Night Out
--------------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs......................................................... -15
Flowers
----------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25
Your Physique
------------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts................................................... -5
Grooming
------------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8
Finances
-----------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120
Driving
--------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and personal................................................ -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60
The Big Question
---------------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25
Communication
------------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression............................ 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10
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