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  One liner:  CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? 

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  Credit:  Michelle LaPierre  ; forwarded
            by Steve P. McIntyre 

   Three blonde women stand in front of a wide river and think of how they
   could get to the other side. Suddenly a ghost appears to them and says
   each of them has one wish.
   
   So the first one says, "I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now."   
   
   Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river.
   
   The second looks at that and says, "I wanna be one thousand times as
   smart as I am now."  Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees,
   cuts them all and builds a boat.  Then she sails over the river.
   
   The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be a million times as smart as I am
   now."  She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.

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  Credit:  Andrew's Girl ; forwarded 
            by Orlie 

   A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN

   
   1. Call.
   
   2. Don't lie.
   
   3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
   
   4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
   
   5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo
       rules:  No Petting.
   
   6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
   
   7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
   
   8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
   
   9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
   
   10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
   
   11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lard-Ass",
   	and "Bitch" are bad.
   
   12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
   
   13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
   
   14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
   
   15. Her cooking is excellent.
   
   16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
   
   17. Dish soap is your friend.
   
   18. Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and
   	warm does not equal clean.
   
   19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
   
   20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going 
        to end that conversation.
   
   21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
   
   22. Two words: clean socks.
   
   23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're
   	drunk.
   
   24. Burping is not sexy.
   
   25. You're wrong.
   
   26. You're sorry.
   
   27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car
   	than you think she is.
   
   28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
   
   29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
   	bound.
   
   30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
   
   31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
   
   32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
   
   33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels
   	like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
   	without notice.
   
   34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.
   	You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
   
   35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after dark.
   
   36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
   
   37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
   
   38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like
   	a complete jerk until she does it for you.
   
   39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
   
   40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
   
   41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
   
   42. Think boxers.
   
   43. Silk boxers.
   
   44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
   
   45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
   
   46. Her haircut is never bad.
   
   47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
   
   48. Call.
   
   49. Don't lie.
   
   50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that
   	she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on
   	your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances
   	everything. 

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  And to be fair...

  Credit:  Michelle LaPierre  ; forwarded
            by Steve P. McIntyre 

   25 rules for Women (Composed by Men)

   
   1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour.  This is a great
      time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
   
   2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
      going out to dinner.
   
   3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
      friends.  Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew
      or the local Patagonia store.
   
   4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
   
   5. Butthead is the smart one.
   
   6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
   
   7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
   
   8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
      "the relationship."
   
   9. Things you can help with:  the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
      dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
   
   10. Things you should let us do alone:  figuring out where we are,
       watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and
       picking out the beer.
   
   11. Socks never constitute a gift. Unless they're coolmax!
   
   12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to
       look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always
       some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
   
   13. We don't know anything about handbags.  Don't even ask.
   
   14. We did water the plants.  They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
       happens.
   
   15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
   
   16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense
       to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
    
   17. Curley is the bald one.
   
   18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
       yours.
   
   19. Sports Illustrated and Runners World are better magazines than
       Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
   
   20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
   
   21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
       Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
       Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown,
       Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
   
   22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome.  Three hours of post-
       coital conversation are not.
   
   23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a
       ball game are even better.
   
   24. No, you can't have the remote control.
   
   25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
       leave us alone.  All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and
       only add to our discomfort.
   
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