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  One liner:  What if they held national condom week and nobody came?

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   Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

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  Credit:  "mike berryhill"

   An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on
   scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and 
   the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and
   cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."  The 
   Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again!  If I get
   burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."  The Redneck opened
   his lunch and said, "Bologna again.  If I get a bologna sandwich one more 
   time I'm jumping too."
   
   Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef
   and cabbage and jumps to his death.  The Mexican open his lunch,
   sees a burrito and jumps, too.  The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the 
   bologna and jumps to his death also.
   
   At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping.  
   She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned 
   beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"  The Mexican's 
   wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I 
   didn't realize he hated burritos so much."  Everyone turned and stared 
   at the Redneck's wife.  "Hey, don't look at me" she said.  "He makes 
   his own lunch!"

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  Credit:

   A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant.  He 
   called the local vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more 
   pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.  The 
   farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the 
   phone.  Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the 
   farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so 
   he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drives down to the woods 
   and shaggs them all.
        
   The next day he calls the vet again and asks how he's gonna know if the 
   pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him they would be lying down rolling 
   in the mud if they are pregnant.  But when the farmer looks out the 
   window not even one pig is lying down.  The farmer loads them in his 
   pickup again and drives to the woods and shaggs them all a second time.
        
   The next morning, to his dismay the pigs are all standing around. Again 
   the farmer loads the pigs in his truck and drives to the woods and 
   shags all the pigs for the third time.
        
   On the fourth day the farmer is beat and can't even get out of bed.  He 
   asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what 
   the pigs are doing.  She throws back the curtain, looks outside for a 
   moment and says, "Hmmm - that's weird, all the pigs are in your 
   pickup truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
   
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  Credit:  Michelle LaPierre  forwarded by Stephen Patrick McIntyre 

    Jack is one horney guy and is not sure what to do about it.
    He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill.
    Jack walks dowthe steet to the local brothal and knocks on
    the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she
    can do for him.  "I'm really horney but I only have $5.  What
    can you do for me?",  Jack asks the madam.  She looks over
    this fellow and tells Jack,  "Don't worry we can take care of
    you.  No problem."
    
    She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is
    a chicken.  Jack thinks about this a second and figures it
    can't be that bad.  He gives the madam the $5 and closes the
    door behind her.
    
    With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses.
    Once naked,  Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken.
    As soon as Jack developes a rythym he starts to enjoy himself
    a great deal.  He and the chicken really go at it for a while
    untill all that built up frustration is finally released.
    Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
    
    One week later, and horney again,  Jack has saved up $10.
    Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and
    asks what she can do for him for $10.
    
    "Well for $10 we have special show",  the madam replies.  She
    leads him into a different room where there are several other
    people sitting on benches.  "Sit back and enjoy the show
    Jack",  the madam tells Jack.
    
    Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of
    benches.  Soon after,  the lights dim and the blinds open
    revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror
    where two women begin to undress each other.
    
    Jack is very impressed.  Clearly these women are unaware
    anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other
    passionately.  Apparently there is nothing they won't do to
    each other.
    
    Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth.
    He turns to the person beside him and says,  "this is a pretty
    good show for ten bucks eh?!
    
    The guy turns to Jack and says,  "That's nothing.....last
    week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
    
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