Credit: Peter Ogden ; 

     Subject: 100 ways NOT to get Laid

     Hey everyone. Here's a little something that was forwarded to me. 
     Enjoy!
     
     1. Say you're from Ottawa
     
     2. Drool
     
     3. Show them your gun
     
     4. Keep talking about your mommy
     
     5. Lick peoples' faces
     
     6. Work for the CBC
     
     7. End each sentence with "so when do we fuck?" >>
     8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high
         school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I 
         mean?" >
     9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection >>
     10. Tell people you're an anchor at NTV >>
     11. Ask for spare change
     
     12. Show everyone your track marks >>
     13. Brag about your job at Tim Hortons >>
     14. Introduce yourself as Bonnie Hickey (Liberal MP St. John's East) 
     
     15. Two words: Pope hats
     
     16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid >>
     17. Describe your yeast infection in detail >>
     18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral >>
     19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys >>
     20. Recite bad poetry
     
     21. Grab your genitals
     
     22. Grab theirs
     
     23. Yodel in bed
     
     24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes >>
     25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back >>
     26. Bark
     
     27. Wear overalls
     
     28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers
     
     29. Carry a box of Depends
     
     30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex." 
     31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt." 
     32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar 
     33. Light your head on fire
     
     34. Talk Quebec politics
     
     35. Play the bagpipes
     
     36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals 
     37. Lie about your identity
     
     38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you." 
     39. Write love letters in blood
     
     40. Carry a teddy bear
     
     41. Show-off your body piercing
     
     42. Grab their face
     
     43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared 
     44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag
     45. Start masturbating
     
     46. Never stop screaming
     
     47. Talk about Jesus. "I'm not making love to you. Jesus is." 
     48. Show them your meat hook
     
     49. Flash your CSU business card
     
     50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas 
     51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian 
     ictator >
     52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead 
     53. Hump their clothes in public
     
     54. Ask if you can bring some friends 
     55. Ask if you can bring your father 
     56. Pick, pick, pick your nose
     
     57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman 
     58. Ask them to marry you right away 
     59. Blame them for everything
     
     60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing 
     61. Shit in bed
     
     62. Show off your stigmata
     
     63. Tell them you work for CSIS
     
     64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love 
     65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice." 
     
     66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while 
         plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
     
     67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend 
     68. Make gurgling noises at the table 
     69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had 
         over 100 lovers."
     
     70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board 
     71. Scream in pain while urinating 
     72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?" 
     73. Use napalm as lubricant
     
     74. Tell them you can suck your own member 
     75. Gag while kissing
     
     76. Suck their nose
     
     77. Shit your pants and sing a song 
     78. Eat things you find on the street 
     79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting 
     80. Tell them O.J. is your hero
     
     81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get 
         batteries."
     
     82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it 
     83. Get into your Smurf outfit
     
     84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep." 
     
     85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins." 
     86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your 
         goin' down Goliath!"
     
     87. Tell them you starred in a porno movie called "Das Goat" 
     88. Demand cash up front
     
     89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you" 
     90. Keep yelling "Next!"
     
     91. Never get their name right
     
     92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner 
     93. Show them your tail
     
     94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily 
     
     95. Wear a helmet all the time
     
     96. Start doing "The Safety Dance" 
     97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..." 
     98. Put your underwear on your head 
     99. Be yourself
     
     100. Make lists about how not to get laid