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  One Liner:  COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

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 NEWS FLASH: Energizer Bunny Death Notice
  
  I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
  ------------------------------------------------------------
  
  AP - August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and
  going and going..."  passed away last evening at 12:42am.  Upon
  completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical
  examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest,
  induced by sexual over-stimulation.
 
  Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept
  coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out.
 
 
 
 In Net News
 
  Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the
  Internet.  Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser,
  and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character
  "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide."  Panasonic eventually
  planned on a world version of the product.
  
  A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan
  last week.  The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic
  suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.
  
  The reason:  the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet
  Pecker."  An American staff member at the internal product launch
  explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody"
  and "pecker" meant in American slang.
 
 
 
     One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.  "I've got some good
  news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well,
  give me the good news first."
 
     Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.  One is
  called a brain.  It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
  things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.  The other organ
  I have for you is called a penis.  It will allow you to reproduce your
  now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very
  happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
 
     Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
  given to me.  What could possibly be bad news after such great
  tidings?"
 
     God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is
  that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one
  of these organs at a time."
 
 
 
     A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
  doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
  would be with him in just a few minutes.  Well, when the man sat down
  in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
  stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
  and a beer.
 
     When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first
  exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is
  for... but what's the BEER for?"
 
     At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
  over to the door.  The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
  nurse, "Dammit all!!!  I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
 
 
 
     An Italian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman
  in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. 
  The French woman came in first, the English woman, second.
 
     The Italian woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. 
  After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't
  want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms!
 
 
 
     A woman at her beach house asked her husband to collect some snails
  to make escargot for their dinner party that evening.  While on the
  beach collecting snails, the man saw a  beautiful woman in a bikini
  swimming in the ocean.  The woman approached the man and asked him to
  come back to her place.
 
     After having sex with the woman, the man fell asleep and didn't
  wake up until 1:00 in the morning.  Realizing he missed the party, he
  got dressed, grabbed the pail of snails, and rushed home.  While
  running up the stairs to the house, he tripped, dropped the pail, and
  the snails spill all over the steps.  Just then, the wife opened the
  door and stared furiously at the husband.  Quickly, the man looked
  down at the snails and said, "Keep going guys, we're almost there."
 
 
 
     One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asked the
  class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral
  of that story.
 
     The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell
  their story.  Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm and
  every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town
  to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all
  the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."  The teacher asked
  for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in
  one basket."
 
     Next was little Bobby.  "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every
  weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last
  weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."  Teacher asked for the moral
  of the story.  Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're
  hatched."
 
     Last was little Johnny.  "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. 
  His plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it
  crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete.  On
  the way down he drank the case of beer.  Unfortunately, he landed
  right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his
  machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete
  and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
  last ten with his bare hands."
 
     Teacher looked in shock at Johnny and asked if there is possibly
  any moral to his story.  Johnny nodded: "Don't mess with Uncle Ted
  when he's been drinking!"

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