Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
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1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth
   and you are the first human they encounter.  As a token of
   intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
   incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
   disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
   hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
   violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide to:

     a. Present it to the president of the United States.
     b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
     c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
   you miss the most?

     a. Innocence.
     b. Idealism.
     c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

     a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
        without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
     b. When he is the pope.  (Not on the lips.)
     c. He is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
        the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, 
        for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

     a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
        disease.
     b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in
        this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just
        dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not
        in any way aroused!")
     c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate
        hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him
        provided that:
         (1) He is legally within the basepath,
         (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
         (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
             enough to cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence:  A funeral is a good time to...

     a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
     b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
     c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
           disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

     a. A cat.
     b. A dog.
     c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She's
   attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
   One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
   easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the
   papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you
   that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear
   the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
   whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
   What do you say?

     a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
        future, but you don't want to rush it.
     b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
        cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
        make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her
        by holding out false hope.
     c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on
        third and seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
   want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and 
   the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the 
   adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come 
   what may.  How do you tell her?

     a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
        dinner.
     b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say
        her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze
        blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
     c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
   you to get your three children ready for school.  Your first 
   question to her is:

     a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
     b. "They're in school already?"
     c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

     a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
        developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
        ones were originally intended for your legs.
     b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
        molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
     c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A
        real guy checks the garbage regularly in case
        somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would
        be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his
        underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the
        guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
        than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
    the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
    forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

     a. He was being tested.
     b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
        when they finally got there.
     c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

     a. Democracy.
     b. Religion.
     c. Remote control.


How to Score:  Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c."  A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.  In
fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.