NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT STANFORD UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT'S OFFICE

     The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by 
scientist/consultants to the Office of the President, Stanford 
University. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no 
protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0.  However, 
it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 
111 assistant vice neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312.  
These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that 
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called 
MORONS.  

     Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is totally inert.  
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction 
it comes in contact with.  According to the consultants/discoverers, 
small amounts of ADMINISTRATIUM caused one reaction to take 
over seven years to complete, when it would normally occur in less 
than one second.

     ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years, 
at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a 
reorganization in which assitant neutrons, vice neutrons, and 
assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Studies show that atomic 
weight usually increases and never decreases as a result of these 
reorganizations.

     Additional research at Stanford laboratories indicates that 
ADMINISTRATIUM occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to 
concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large 
corporations, and with extreme concentrations, at universities. 

     Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be highly 
toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy 
productive reactions where ever they may occur.  Attempts are 
now being made to determine if ADMINISTRATIUM can be controlled to 
prevent irreversible damage, but so far results are unpromising.