Excuses for Missing Work

1.  I am having vision problems today. I can't see myself coming to work.
2.  Well, I've come down with Ebola, but if you really want me to come in...
3.  I was busy arranging a funeral all day. I wanted to dig a hole in the back 
garden for my recently departed 500 pound, devil-worshipping mother. 
She had a sex-change you should know and I just couldn't decide 
whether I should bury her next to my male or female guinea pigs 
so I decided on a microwave cremation but after the firemen left 
it was past 5:00 p.m.
4.  I wanted to come in but I had a severe case of Chronic Gravitational 
Disorder... couldn't get my ass out of bed.
5.  I thought it was still yesterday... I must have crossed the International
     Date Line in the wrong direction...
6.  I was secretly working with NASA on a comet deflection shield.
7.  I was all set to come in to work today, took a shower, combed my hair, 
put on a happy face.......but damn, if my leprosy didn't flare up again!!!!
8.  I'm celebrating "National Lobotomy Day."
9.  I was telecommuting...Didn't you get my e-mail?
10. If I came to work today, I would have killed you. I stayed home 
for your sake, really.
11. Sorry but I will not be able to make it to work
today due to my lack of a pulse.
12. I just killed my neighbor, so I have a few legal things to take care of.
13. I just have a minor decapitation
14. "There was a 24 hour Rocky and Bullwinkle marathon on Cartoon 
Network."
15. I was attacked by Rabid Monkeys. (We have a lot more of them 
this year...with El Niņo, you know...)
16. I finally got an appointment with the HMO doctor to have that awful boil lanced.
17. My sea monkeys died, I'm too depressed to come in.
18. I was subpoenaed by Ken Starr.
19. I was a victim of Spontaneous Combustion.
20. My parents paid a hitman to kidnap me and demand an incredibly 
high price for my return.
21. I'm not coming into today because I don't have any pants on.
22. I just feel too well to come in to work today.
23. I thought I was getting a tension headache, by the afternoon I remembered 
I had my headband on. It was too late to come to work by then.
24. I hit some crazy woman's cat and she attacked me with her walker.
25. The voices told me to stay home and clean all my weapons. They 
said you wouldn't mind. You're not going to contradict them, are you?
26. A Boeing 747 landed right in the middle of HWY 18. Wolf Blitzer 
was there and everything !!!
27. El Niņo called.
28. Say: "Oh, sorry. It's just that there's so many better things to do 
than show up here, like eating dirt and running into walls."
29. I couldn't locate my AK-47 or 9mm, so I decided
just to stay home, relax, and watch Jerry Springer.
30. Have you ever had the plague? Your lucky I wasn't out for a week!
31. My deity is ordering a goat sacrifice right now, I can't make it. 
See you on Monday.
32. My cat was lonely.