From:  Stephen Zalewski

 Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
 Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

 "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name 
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

   "A is for academics,
   B is for beer.
   One of those reasons
   Is why we're not here.
   So leave a message."
 
 "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
 money. If you are my parents, please send money.   If you are my
 financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are
 my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
 plenty of money."

   (Narrator's voice:)  "There Dale sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly
 the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
 toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
 incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort
 is in vain. The bell hath sounded.  Thou must leave a message."

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

 "Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.
 Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
 of these magnets."

   "Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped
 with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want
 anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
 phone."

   "Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
 messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
 carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
 need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
 number, and they will get back to you.."

   "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
 thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your
 reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
 about returning your call."

   "Hi.  I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
 Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

   "Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
 Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

   "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
 right now and can't come to the phone.   Otherwise, we probably aren't
 home, and it's safe to leave us a message."

   "You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very,
 sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
 resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
 compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

 "Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.
 Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."