Subject: Jokes 17

  *Note:  This is about 200 lines long.  Read it when you do get some time..
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  One liner:  If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

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  Credit: Bob Mahaney ; forwarded from Len Senetza
    or
  Credit: Gregory Gunn ; forwarded from Orlie.


  REAL LIFE CYBER SEX

   Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cyber
   sex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet
   phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two
   cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to
   quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does..
   
   Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
   
   Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I 
   work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. 
   What do you look like?
   
   Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 12 stone pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
   pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C & A. I'm also wearing a T-shirt
   with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner..it smells funny.
   
   Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
   
   Wellhung: OK
   
   Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and
   candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, 
   smiling.  My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle 
   your huge, swelling bulge.
   
   Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
   
   Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
   
   Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off 
   my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
   
   Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in
   your blouse. I'm sorry.
   
   Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
   
   Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
   
   Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
   breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
   
   Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you
   have any scissors?
   
   Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing 
   the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My 
   nipples are erect for you.
   
   Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
   clasp.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all
   over me.
   
   Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
   They're neat!
   
   Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
   ear.
   
   Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
   
   Sweetheart: What?
   
   Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
   blouse.
   
   Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
   
   Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
   
   Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
   
   Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
   
   Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
   out nibbling on you..umm..wait a minute.
   
   Sweetheart: What's the matter?
   
   Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
   
   Sweetheart: Are you OK?
   
   Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
   
   Sweetheart: Can I help?
   
   Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through 
   the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
   
   Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
   
   Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
   
   Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
   
   Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
   
   Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
   now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
   bedroom?
   
   Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
   
   Wellhung: I found it.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
   
   Wellhung: Me too.
   
   Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
   pressing each other.
   
   Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
   
   Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
   
   Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on
   the night table.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
   
   Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
   toward the bathroom.
   
   Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
   
   Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
   toilet. I lift the lid.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
   
   Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I 
   can't find it.  Uh-oh!
   
   Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
   
   Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
   I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
   
   Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
   
   Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my..you know..thing..in your..you know..
   woman's thing.
   
   Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
   
   Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
   Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
   another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
   
   Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
   
   Sweetheart: What?
   
   Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
   face.
   
   Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm
   going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
   
   Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.
   Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
   
   Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
   feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
   and your candles.
   
   Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
   
   Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
   candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
   shocked look on my face.
   
   Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
   
   Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooo!
   
   Sweetheart: (logged off)