WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the
Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that 
provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless 
Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly 
after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions 
upon millions of  U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

 "Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their 
own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful 
role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. 
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end 
busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates 
for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms 
that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, 
the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is 
simply not a reality."

  Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the  white-collar 
sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose 
and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions 
will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most 
unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. 

 The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire 
nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane 
worker for every two talented hires.

 Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough 
new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning 
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What  
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills 
that would make you an asset to this company?"

  "As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up
with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, 
who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile 
wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new
law should really help people like me."

  With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz 
and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a 
light at the end of the tunnel.

  Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human 
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his 
or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this 
great nation."