WOMEN'S ENGLISH
   
   Yes = No
   
   No = Yes
   
   Maybe = No
   
   I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
   
   We need = I want
   
   It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
   
   Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
   
   We need to talk = I need to complain
   
   Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
   
   I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
   
   You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
   
   You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
   
   Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
   
   This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
   
   I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
   
   Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
   
   I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
   
   Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
   
   How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
   going to like.
   
   I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good  
game on T.V.
   
   Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
   
   You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
   
   Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
   
   Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
   he goes to sleep.
   
   I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is    
important.
   
   The answer to "What's wrong?":
   
           The same old thing = Nothing
   
           Nothing = Everything
   
           Everything = My PMS is acting up
   
           Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
   
   
MEN'S ENGLISH
   
   "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
   
   "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
   
   "I'm tired."  = I'm tired.
   
   "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
 with you.
   
   "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
 with you.
   
   "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
   
   "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
   
   "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
   
   "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
   
   "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
   
   "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
 trauma are  you going through now?
   
   "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
   
   "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
   
   "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
   
   "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
   
   "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
   
   "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
    that much different!
   
   "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
 deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
   
   "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
    with other guys.
   
   (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress
   and let's go home!