The new line of Barbies - Out for the Spring:

Birkenstock Barbie:  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal
	feet and comfortable sandals.  Made from recycled materials.


Bisexual Barbie:  Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.


Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:  An anthropologist Barbie with
	pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability
	to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.


Blue Collar Barbie:  Comes with overalls, protective goggles,
	lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay
	scales for women as compared to men.  Waitressing outfits and
	cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are
	holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.


Our Barbies Ourselves:  Anatomically correct Barbie, both
	inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum,
	magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that
	little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening
	way.  Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility.
	 Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus
	with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are
	all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right
	to chose what she does with her own Barbie.


Rebbe Barbie:  So why not?  Women rabbis are on the cutting
	edge in Judaism.  Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
	prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.  Optional:
	tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.


Homegirl Barbie:  Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt
	and baggy jeans.  Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories,
	and plenty of attitude.  Pull cord and she says things like "I
	don't think so,","Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl."
	Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people.


Transgender Barbie:  Formerly known as G.I. Joe.


Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
     walking machine!  After falling 	over, she says, "Contro theory is hard.  
     Damn these spike heels anyway!"


Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles,
	double chin, a real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous
	thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful.  Comes
	with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken,
	tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three
	packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
	Eat," and, of course, an appetite. 


----- --------
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate
to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be
some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
 I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro
crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway?
 If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.

6.  A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur
coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol
patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA