Creative Answering Machine Messages 

--You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through
another long answering machine message when you call me... 

--Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 

--Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
get back to you. 

--(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave
your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a
circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and -- BEEP! 

--(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... 

--Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. 

--Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 

--Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? 

--Hello. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. 

--This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when. 

--Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.