Subject: Joke 13
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One liner: When all else fails, read the directions.
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Credit: Credit: pchenry@gsalink.com (Peter Henry); forwarded
by Sherri Houston
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really
saying in all those glowing employee work performance
evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations:
Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of
coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to
date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike:
A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in
Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the
skeletons
are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the
work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National
Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other
opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a
week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's
money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
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Credit: John Pham at GAMMA2; forwarded
by mike berryhill"
Lemon Joke
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.),
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the
crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Credit: Andre Paige ; forwarded gracefully from
Len Senetza
Subject: FW: MS Bashing
Microsoft Introduces New Application - Windows Panhandling.
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around
babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a
new product for Windows 95: Windows Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me
for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing
a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without
any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became
my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several
times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Windows Panhandling will be automatically installed with
Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the
user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough
money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software
engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and
Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The
user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's
bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which
case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No"
button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe. Just maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically
refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers
asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines
asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"
General pandemonium then ensued.
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