*PRIEST'S ASS*

	A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He
 was told that there was a fortune in horse racing, so 
he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. 
However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was 
so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. 
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day 
the racing sheet carried the headline PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS. 
	The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it 
in another race. This time it won. The paper reported PRIEST'S 
ASS OUT IN FRONT. The bishop was so upset with this kind 
of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey 
in any more races. The newspaper read BISHOP 
SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was just too much for the 
bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. 
	The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent, 
and the headline read NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.  
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have 
to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for ten dollars, 
and the paper duly recorded NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN 
BUCKS. They buried the bishop the next day.


* THE CONFESSIONAL *

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, 
Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"

"Yes father, it's me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No."

"Was it Ann Brown?" "No."

"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No, Father."

"Was it Amy Thomas?" "No, Father."

"Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, 
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 
Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides 
over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."


*THE POPE*

 So the Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at baggage 
claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding 
a hand-lettered sign that says "POPE".  After getting all 
his luggage loaded in the limo - and his Holiness doesn't 
travel light - the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 "Hey, Mr. Pope..." says the driver in accented English, 
"Why have you not seated yourself in my very excellent limo?"

 "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me 
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."  "Oh noooo! 
That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, 
wishing he had never left Calcutta.

 "There might be something extra in it for you" said the Pope. 
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got behind 
the wheel.  The limo driver quickly regretted his decision when, 
after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 
mph. "Please to be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope!" pleaded 
the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. 
Then they heard the siren. "Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing 
my license" moaned the driver.

 The Pope pulled over ad rolled down the window as the patrolman 
approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his 
motorcycle, and got on the radio.

 "I need to talk to the Chief" he said to dispatch. When the Chief got 
on  the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a 
hundred and five.

 "So bust him" said the Chief.
 "I think this guy's a big shot." said the cop.
 "All the more reason."
 "No, I mean really a big shot." said the cop.
 "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger."
 "Governor?" "Bigger."
 "Well," said the chief, "Who is it?"
 "I don't know but he's got the Pope as his driver."