Credit: cadel@top.monad.net

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings 
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading
security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two
blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could
mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


***********************************************  
credit: lariane@tiac.net:

Dirty, Dirty Bird... 
***********************************************  

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help 
keep her company at home. She decided she would 
like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as 
much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear 
it speak. 

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a 
large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of 
the store and asked how much.  The owner said it 
was $50. 

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful 
bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.  
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should 
tell you first that this bird used to live in a 
house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off 
color stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had 
to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway.  
The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took 
it home.  She hung the bird's cage up in her living 
room and waited for it to say something.  The bird 
looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New 
house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but 
then thought that's not so bad." 

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage 
daughters returned from school.  When they 
inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, 
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes." 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at 
first, but than began to laugh about the situation.   

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came 
home from work.  The bird looked at him and said, 
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old 
faces.  Hi George!" 

########################
credit:  RichardStobart@mail.com

HEY !!! Cheer up...

* The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
* They say the house didn't float very far at all.
* We're all amazed that you go on living each day.
* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
* The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you. 
* The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
 * With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal. 
* The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions. 
* At least the passenger side air bag inflated. 
* Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show". 
* The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. 
* At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did. 
* The insurance pays the full book value ($ 312) for your 1956 T-Bird.
* The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
* Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. 
* Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.
* The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
* Tech Support said those errors just aren't possible.