YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .
 
 ~ You don't sweat, you percolate.
 ~ Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
 ~ When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
 ~ You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
 ~ Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
 ~ Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
 ~ You ski uphill.
 ~ You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
 ~ You speed-walk in your sleep.
 ~ You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 ~ You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
 ~ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 ~ You sleep with your eyes open.
 ~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
 ~ The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
 ~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
 ~ You lick your coffeepot clean.
 ~ You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
 ~ Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
 ~ You chew on other people's fingernails.
 ~ The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
 ~ You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
 ~ You can jump-start your car without cables.
 ~ All your kids are named "Joe."
 ~ You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
 ~ Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
 ~ You buy milk by the barrel.
 ~ You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
 ~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
 ~ You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
 ~ Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
 ~ You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
 ~ People get dizzy just watching you.
 ~ You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
 ~ The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
 ~ Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
 ~ Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
 ~ You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
 ~ People can test their batteries in your ears.
 ~ Instant coffee takes too long.
 ~ You channel surf faster without a remote.
 ~ You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
 ~ You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
 ~ You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
 ~ Your Thermos is on wheels.
 ~ Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
 ~ You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
 ~ You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
 ~ You short out motion detectors.
 ~ You have a conniption over spilled milk.
 ~ You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
 ~ Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
 ~ You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
 ~ You don't tan, you roast.
 ~ You don't get mad, you get steamed.
 ~ You can't even remember your second cup.
 ~ You help your dog chase its tail.
 ~ You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
 ~ You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
 ~ You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
 ~ Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.