Subject: Jokes R Us!!!

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  One liner:  Live Long and Perspire.

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  Credit: mAy-mAy ; forwarded 
           by Orlie 
  Subject: Driver's Testing (fwd)

                 Things to Do While Taking Your Driver's Test
  =============================================================================
  
  1.  Turn the radio on.  When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her
      hand.
  2.  Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil
      look, "buckle up!"
  3.  Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability.  In the middle of it,
      get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
  4.  Come dressed in a suit.  Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her
      to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.
  5.  When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas.  Tell him/her that
      you thought it was the brake.
  6.  When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
  7.  Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the
      gas again?"
  8.  After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check
      the oil.
  9.  Fill your car with beer bottles.
  10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like
      mothballs.
  11. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.
  12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
  13. Swear at everybody on the road.
  14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back
      and forth between the person next to you and the light.
  15. Beep your horn at everything.
  16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

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  Credit:  mike berryhill 

     There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going 
     to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white 
     striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen 
     minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and 
     walking off the field.  At the end of the summer, it came time for the 
     first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field 
     and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour 
     to wait for the birds to get off of the field.  The guy wrote his 
     thesis on this, and graduated.
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  Credit: BREAKFIELD ERNEST 
           forwarded by mike berryhill 

   Snippets from Conan O'Brien's monologues 
   ----------------------------------------------
   
   "In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members 
   admitted that they've had at least five drinks in a row. The 
   other 14 percent were out cold."
   
    "Prince is selling his Beverly Hills mansion for $3.5 million.
   Realtors are advertising it as the house formerly owned by the 
   artist formerly known as Prince."
   
    "It's been reported that John Bobbitt's porno movie grossed over
   10 million. I'm not sure whether that's dollars or people."
   
   "Scientists have discovered a Chinese herb that cures alcoholism 
   in hamsters. They're hoping that it will cut down on the number 
   of accidents they have on that little wheel."
   
    "That man who posed as a woman during a 3 1/2 year marriage was
   sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail term. Something tells me 
   his days of acting like a woman are not quite over."
   
   "Michael Bolton said yesterday he now wants to become an opera 
   singer. Which is great, because now my Dad and I can hate the 
   same kind of music."
   
   "The price of Prozac went up 50 percent last year. When Prozac 
   users were asked about it, they said, 'Whatever.'"
   
    "A new study reveals that guests on daytime talk shows are
   predominantly female. Of course, most of them weren't born that way."
   
    "Eighty-three percent of Britons say they forgive Princess Di
   for her infidelity. Apparently, the other 17 percent have never 
   gotten a good look at Prince  Charles."
   
    "Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates' wife is pregnant.
   Gates explained, 'Don't let the name Microsoft fool you.'"

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